23 = perfect

So I know that I was obviously more than less excited (more than less? what?) about this birthday. But I was proven dreadfully wrong about how happy a day could be even when you think you are turning 'old' (when in reality you are still pretty stinkin' young) and how oh-so-grateful I am for my perfect day :)

It all started like a normal day: I woke up late. and stumbled out of my bedroom towards my radio (which has now been replaced by an iHome, thankyou, Mother) to turn it on and hurriedly get ready - when I heard a knock at my door. at 6:30 AM? It scared the h-e-double hockey sticks out of me. So in my PJs and nasty no-make-up-bed-head look I answered my door. To find my hott boyfriend holding a Dove chocolate rose, a card, some Target bags and a box of a dozen donuts (these were for my office - because I had been complaining about buying them myself :) and giving me the most sweetest smile.

I don't have a picture of that, but it was my favorite part. :)

Then, after the opening of the presents, and a few good morning kisses, I was forcefully told to hurry and get ready so I could go to work. (boo)

So fast forward through about 9ish hours (and 2.5 donuts) of "work"

and it was continued birthday celebration.

Since we had gone out to Olive Garden with the amigos the night before, we spent the night hanging out with Morgan's family, and again my sweet boyfriend (with a sweet, but tired, smile still) made my favorite (well actually our favorite): brinner (breakfast + dinner). Pecan waffles, cheesy scrambled eggs, sausage, apples. It was delish.

And then Morgan's amazing mother, Karen got me my very own birthday cake:

and Morgface made me blow out the entire package of birthday candles (which included 24!)

but I got to eat the piece with 'J' on it - so it made everything better...

and then I opened another present (or 'prize' as Morg would say)

and then we relaxed, and laughed, and smiled and it got even more perfect.

Pre Birthday Celeb

So for my pre-birthday celebration mis amigos y yo went to mi favorita restaurant Olive Garden!

Funny Story:

Our waiter, who we named DB (for um, various reasons), finally realized it was someone's birthday towards the very end of our lengthy dinner - and when my oh-so-sweet boyfriend told him it was I, DB inquired to how old I was turning. Of course my lovely, humorous friends started throwing out ridiculous numbers - 21, 28, 34, and the like - and I started laughing - well DB got all seriouslike and said 'Wait be serious, so how much older than 25 are you?' um, excuse me? 'You're lame' is all that came out of my mouth.

Then after he brought back our receipts to sign and supposedly give him a hefty tip, he dragged his fellow Olive Gardien waiters with him to sing a little birthday song to me - without a dessert. So you call me an old hag and then don't compensate with some chocolate? No wonder your nickname is DB.

My Forever Birthday

This depicts my current feelings about birthdays

(with me, unfortunately, being the frowny-faced cherry).

Tomorrow is my day of birth, my 'completion of a full year', my 'anniversary'. I love birthdays. I love my family's, my friend's, my coworker's, and even stranger's birthdays. I don't discriminate. I even used to like mine.

But this year I'm supposed to be turning twenty-three.

(I say 'supposed to' because I have declared last year my 'forever birthday' so therefore I should be twenty-two forever, but no one - not even Morgan - has boughten into this idea, so I think I might have to abandon it.)

Don't get me wrong - I know 23 is not really that much different from 22 - I'll be doing the same things, living the same life - and more than likely loving every single minute - but still. I really like twenty-two. I don't know how it can be topped. Its' been pretty freakin awesome.

I mean I went to the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas with my besties when I was 22. I graduated college and drove across the country when I was 22. I had countless interviews and subsequent rejections when I was 22 - until of course I interviewed at the wondrous Federal Reserve and got a 'hey you're freakin sweet so come work for us' acceptance when I was 22. And then I moved out on my own, all alone, into a quaint one-bedroom apartamento and decorated it all handy-woman like when I was 22. I even owned my first couch, table, washer and dryer when I was 22! Most importantly, I fell deeply in love when I was 22.

Ya know, I would love for my 23 to beat my 22, that means I get all that awesome plus more, and I'm so down for that.

Right now though, on the eve of my twenty-third birthday, I'm enjoying being twenty-two a whole helluva lot. :)

On Days

So my last post was a little... how do you say it?... dramatic. But I think all of us (esp. girls) have their on and off days - so just so ya know, I have way more on days than off - and I don't have a lot of time to recap them...but I thought pictures would help :)

Dave & Morg - @ On the Border during the Cowboys/Eagles game - this picture would have more significance if Morgan didn't notice I was taking a picture. These best friends are doing the same thing all. the. time. It's scary.
Jenn was in town - and fortunately for us her and Levi joined us for dinner!

:)

I came across this picture when I was uploading and I couldn't help but add it. From our trip to Nashville to see Rach - I miss her!!!!

yes that is my boyfriend on the megatron at a pro hockey game.

warning: rambly.

So I was just about to upload a slew of 'update' pictures but I have a lot on my mind that I feel like writing instead... and I don't really know where it is all coming from - I think it has everything to do with the start of the new year and everyone talking about their New Year's resolutions and plans - This New Year's really crept up on me, actually the entire holiday season just appeared out of thin air practically. All a sudden I was in North Carolina seeing family and celebrating Christmas and then jetting back to Memphis for the New Year's and after it was all said and done I can honestly say I didn't feel any different. I was happy and I soaked it all up and I made beautiful memories but I didn't feel 'new'. Now, I don't know exactly if that is required or if it is even desirable, per se, but as I began work again for the new year and started to get back into my normal routine, I felt behind. Like everyone else around me was starting fresh, making plans, or writing down their ridiculous goals and I was sitting in my cube with a stack of study materials, a nervous knot in my stomach and ice cold diet coke on my cup holder (oh, that is a good thing)...

So I started wondering what my goals should be and what my plans need to be, and it started out all innocentlike and normal - Like I want to start painting again (with the paints Morgan so graciously got me for Christmas) and I need to read my scriptures more and I want to talk to my sister more on the phone - ya know, normal stuff. And then my mind went out of control. I haven't stopped thinking about it for days straight and all I have gotten is a migraine and a sense of worry that will not go away. So then it hit me - I need to stop worrying. I know, it sounds simple - kind of elementary, actually, like something you tell a 3 year old when an episode of Dora the Explorer ends and they think that the world is ending and you say 'you need to stop worrying' - or something like that.

My whole life I have been a worrier - a lot of people that know me probably would be surprised at that admission, maybe they would even start trying to say 'oh julie, you are not, you are being too hard on yourself' - but no - I am not, I am being terribly (and unfortunately) honest. I don't really know when it really began, but I know that I started being really good at hiding it - I think its what some shrinks call 'bottleing it all inside'. I did that. And I don't really think it was until college, when I actually had something real to worry about (and not what to buy at the mall on a friday night or what boy looked at me all flirtylike) that I began seeing the gravity of my 'problem'. Now I don't want to sound dramatic by calling it that, I mean maybe its not a problem for some, I think that in some ways worrying can actually motivate and spur improvement in some people - but for me it was paralyzing. I began to think non-stop about 'what-ifs' and worst-case scenarios all. the. time. I couldn't get past it. I felt like I had no control over the things that were most important to me, whether it was school, family or my future, and I incessantly worried about every little thing. I don't really know exactly what woke me up or what has changed since that time - I think that life experience, the people around you, and especially the Lord all naturally help you to realize that you can't waste your time worrying about everything because the fact of the matter is... you don't have control over a lot of things. You might convince yourself you do, you might hypothetically or others might tell you that you do- but you don't. And when I began to realize that, not only did the level of my worrying subside, but at that time in my life I started to figure out who I was and was completely comfortable with it so even when I was worrying I had no qualms about talking about it or being upfront about it - I did what some shrinks call 'tackling the problem head on'.

And I think that since that arbitrary time in my life I have improved ten fold since my days of constant emotional bottleing - but I have also found that with every new chapter in one's life there is a whole set of new, uncertain things for you to worry about. So as I began my new chapter after I graduated from college it was like I was 14 again. I analyzed. I overthought. I worried. I was paralyzed. After I did this for a few months, again reverting back to my bottleing ways, I will never forget a conversation I had with my stepmom in the parking lot of a Harris Teeter back in North Carolina. I remember it had been kind of tense in the house for the preceding weeks since I had come back from school and graduation. I had no plan. I was lovesick. I was unmotivated. But that particular day I was in good spirits, I had started reading a good book and had lunch with an old friend, and I was working that night at the restaurant. And then I remember asking her 'Mom, do you think I'm happy?' and after about 30 seconds of silence she replied 'No, Julie. I don't think you are." I don't know why I was so surprised by it, but I was. That day was a turning point in my life. I wanted to be happy and in the current state I was, I realized that it wasn't really possible. So I began again to try and take control, well - what I could really control anyways, of my life.

And here I am - in Memphis, TN working at a great job with amazing (and hilarious) people doing what I really love. I have a great support system at church and in Morgan that I never really anticipated and cherish so much. I take care of myself and try to do my best. And here I sit, in 2010, still worrying. About a whole set of new, uncertain things. Rent, the cable bill, buying furniture, traveling for work, fulfilling my calling, fixing my car, etc etc etc. So as my mind has gone non-stop with what I need to improve this year, through New Year's resolutions or just my day-to-life routine, I think I have found the root of the problem. No matter how many times I have given advice to my friends on how they shouldn't worry, or have stood up in front of others in church and taught about hope and faith, or have gotten down on my knees and felt the peace of understanding - I have never really taken control of my worrying. And though maybe this blog post should be conclusive due to its rambly, story telling and 'insightful' nature, I have no conclusion. It is something that I desperately try to improve and work on, but really don't know how to cure. I'm going to try though.

And even though I said no pictures - I thought that if any body made it through THAT they deserved something.

Morgan and I went to Nashville to see Rach before she left to go back to Idaho - we went to the Opry Hotel to check out the awesome waterfalls.. inside.
Rach and I at the Predators game!

over Christmas break - at the Vincenzo's Christmas Party - All the Bennett kids that currently work, or have worked, at V's! :)