So I started wondering what my goals should be and what my plans need to be, and it started out all innocentlike and normal - Like I want to start painting again (with the paints Morgan so graciously got me for Christmas) and I need to read my scriptures more and I want to talk to my sister more on the phone - ya know, normal stuff. And then my mind went out of control. I haven't stopped thinking about it for days straight and all I have gotten is a migraine and a sense of worry that will not go away. So then it hit me - I need to stop worrying. I know, it sounds simple - kind of elementary, actually, like something you tell a 3 year old when an episode of Dora the Explorer ends and they think that the world is ending and you say 'you need to stop worrying' - or something like that.
My whole life I have been a worrier - a lot of people that know me probably would be surprised at that admission, maybe they would even start trying to say 'oh julie, you are not, you are being too hard on yourself' - but no - I am not, I am being terribly (and unfortunately) honest. I don't really know when it really began, but I know that I started being really good at hiding it - I think its what some shrinks call 'bottleing it all inside'. I did that. And I don't really think it was until college, when I actually had something real to worry about (and not what to buy at the mall on a friday night or what boy looked at me all flirtylike) that I began seeing the gravity of my 'problem'. Now I don't want to sound dramatic by calling it that, I mean maybe its not a problem for some, I think that in some ways worrying can actually motivate and spur improvement in some people - but for me it was paralyzing. I began to think non-stop about 'what-ifs' and worst-case scenarios all. the. time. I couldn't get past it. I felt like I had no control over the things that were most important to me, whether it was school, family or my future, and I incessantly worried about every little thing. I don't really know exactly what woke me up or what has changed since that time - I think that life experience, the people around you, and especially the Lord all naturally help you to realize that you can't waste your time worrying about everything because the fact of the matter is... you don't have control over a lot of things. You might convince yourself you do, you might hypothetically or others might tell you that you do- but you don't. And when I began to realize that, not only did the level of my worrying subside, but at that time in my life I started to figure out who I was and was completely comfortable with it so even when I was worrying I had no qualms about talking about it or being upfront about it - I did what some shrinks call 'tackling the problem head on'.
And I think that since that arbitrary time in my life I have improved ten fold since my days of constant emotional bottleing - but I have also found that with every new chapter in one's life there is a whole set of new, uncertain things for you to worry about. So as I began my new chapter after I graduated from college it was like I was 14 again. I analyzed. I overthought. I worried. I was paralyzed. After I did this for a few months, again reverting back to my bottleing ways, I will never forget a conversation I had with my stepmom in the parking lot of a Harris Teeter back in North Carolina. I remember it had been kind of tense in the house for the preceding weeks since I had come back from school and graduation. I had no plan. I was lovesick. I was unmotivated. But that particular day I was in good spirits, I had started reading a good book and had lunch with an old friend, and I was working that night at the restaurant. And then I remember asking her 'Mom, do you think I'm happy?' and after about 30 seconds of silence she replied 'No, Julie. I don't think you are." I don't know why I was so surprised by it, but I was. That day was a turning point in my life. I wanted to be happy and in the current state I was, I realized that it wasn't really possible. So I began again to try and take control, well - what I could really control anyways, of my life.
And here I am - in Memphis, TN working at a great job with amazing (and hilarious) people doing what I really love. I have a great support system at church and in Morgan that I never really anticipated and cherish so much. I take care of myself and try to do my best. And here I sit, in 2010, still worrying. About a whole set of new, uncertain things. Rent, the cable bill, buying furniture, traveling for work, fulfilling my calling, fixing my car, etc etc etc. So as my mind has gone non-stop with what I need to improve this year, through New Year's resolutions or just my day-to-life routine, I think I have found the root of the problem. No matter how many times I have given advice to my friends on how they shouldn't worry, or have stood up in front of others in church and taught about hope and faith, or have gotten down on my knees and felt the peace of understanding - I have never really taken control of my worrying. And though maybe this blog post should be conclusive due to its rambly, story telling and 'insightful' nature, I have no conclusion. It is something that I desperately try to improve and work on, but really don't know how to cure. I'm going to try though.
And even though I said no pictures - I thought that if any body made it through THAT they deserved something.
Morgan and I went to Nashville to see Rach before she left to go back to Idaho - we went to the Opry Hotel to check out the awesome waterfalls.. inside.
Rach and I at the Predators game!
over Christmas break - at the Vincenzo's Christmas Party - All the Bennett kids that currently work, or have worked, at V's! :)
1 comment:
I worry too. I guess this year I am going to try to not let the worry overtake my life. I am going to remember that I may not be able to control the situtiom but I can handle the way I handle it. miss your face!
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